All to defend against feeling vulnerable. Obviously we can strive to control our defensive reaction. We can resist isolating ourselves, we can interrupt our withholding behavior, and we can stop trying to control our partner.
But there are also behaviors that we can engage in that will help us be more vulnerable: being generous, asking for what you want, and expressing and accepting affection. The following is excerpted from Daring to Love. Being generous—that is, giving freely of yourself, your time, and your energy—kindles vulnerability. Generosity is an outward expression of sensitivity and compassion of your partner.
The empathy and understanding that are fundamental to being truly generous also sustain the vulnerability of both the giver and the receiver. Generosity is also effective in counteracting your withholding behavior. Therefore, it is advisable to make an effort to be giving in situations where you would normally withhold.
It is also important to be generous without any expectation of reciprocal treatment. If your actions are designed to create an obligation, garner favor, or maintain a superior position, then they are not truly generous and will ultimately be hurtful to you and your partner. Acts of generosity can take many forms. Money and other material gifts are the most easily measurable forms, but they can have less emotional and psychological impact than other types of generosity.
Generous people actively look for opportunities to respond to a need in friends and loved ones. Generosity is expressed by the willingness to drop anything to do a favor or lend a hand. It can be as simple as listening when someone needs to talk. In a close relationship, acts of generosity involve an equal exchange between partners, with benevolence on one side and receptiveness on the other. By this definition, receiving is also a generous action—it is an act of love to graciously accept and appreciate affection, kind deeds, or assistance.
Being generous with your words, your time, and your affection is not just an antidote to withholding behavior. It can also help you overcome a negative self-image as well as a cynical, distrustful attitude toward others. There will be times in your life when you feel vulnerable, and there will be nothing you can do about it. The reason people have built societies around the concept of love is — in large part — because it feels as if it is out of our control.
We feel this way because when we first fall in love, we feel a sort of vulnerability. This need for another person develops and scares us. If we need people, then we are necessarily dependent on them. And if we are dependent on them, then we are vulnerable to their influences. Yet, this sort of love is rather shallow.
To love someone in such a way, you have to take control of it. You have to take responsibility for it. When you do that, and your lover does the same, it transforms your relationship and the world you see.
By Paul Hudson. Simone Becchetti. Most of all, it can be incredibly difficult to understand what the way you are feeling means. You were the first one to fall in love. People are very complex — but thankfully, their complexity is mimicked by countless others. These choices will be signaled globally to our partners and will not affect browsing data.
We and our partners process data to: Actively scan device characteristics for identification. I Accept Show Purposes. Are You In a Healthy Relationship? Shari Foos, MFT If you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable, your partner can't be expected to understand what you need and want from them.
How to Successfully Crack the Code of Love. Was this page helpful? Thanks for your feedback! Sign Up. What are your concerns? Related Articles. What Is Fearful Avoidant Attachment? Coping With Separation Anxiety in Relationships. How to Build Trust in a Relationship. How to Build a Respectful Relationship.
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